Crisis Hotline

My phone rings, twice in one night. I think I should rename my phone line to the Crisis Hotline.

The first person is an old old friend that has been struggling with personal problems and self esteem. The second person is a new friend that I've come to admire and respect greatly. He's having issues with his marriage and wanted someone to just listen to his problems. The first one was easier for me to deal with. Self esteem is not something I've truly had a struggle with so I was less emotionally involved.

The second call was the hardest. It was almost a type of my own marriage. I tried to say the things to him that I wish I'd been strong enough to say to my own husband, at least from an outsider's perspective. The goal was to interject some sanity into an insane moment so that things werent said that couldnt be taken back. It's so easy to hurt someone with words and once those words are said... Well it's hard for me to put into words but there is no going back. Even if you make all the effort in the world to repair them, the person you've said those words too is forever changed.

In an earlier conversation with the same second person, I discussed some of the fall out from my own marriage. It was quite shocking to me to realize what a hard heart I have. I know my husband made efforts with me to repair the gap that his own hurtful words caused but after those words were said, one to many times, it was too big of a betrayal for me to deal with.

It's ironic that I put up with so much from other people in my life. It's probably not a surprise that I would be so unforgiving to my husband. He was the one person in the world who should have treated me with love and respect in all things and when he failed at that, I just couldnt forgive him.

But on the other side of the coin, listening to my friend literally spill his feelings to me, I realize what I must have put my own husband through and it's a wonder he still wanted to try to work things out with me in the end. The guilt I feel is immense. If I think about it too much the feelings just boil up inside of me until I get nauseous.

I miss my husband, and I've come to realize that I miss him and not just the security he represented. In the past two days, I've just wanted to show up on his door step. I wanted to come home. If I'm being really honest, he's hurt me too much. I'll never be able to forgive him or trust him with me again.

I probably need therapy for that but maybe just being able to recognize the biggest part of the mistake I made is enough.