Crummy

I took Pita to the vet yesterday morning. The difference in him was like night and day. The last time I took him to the vet he was maybe just under 3 months old. I couldnt hold on to him for the excitement. In the car, he wanted to look out and around and check things out. This time, I couldnt hold on to him because he was scared. I mean, petrified, tense, howling scared.

Taking him into the vets office was the worst. They put him back in this cage, and I could hear this stupid dog barking and he started crying again. It broke my heart. The vet called last night and he went through surgery fine, they said he was sleeping okay and would give me a call in the morning to let me know how the night went.

He went in for neutering and declawing. I do not like declawing cats, and I wouldnt have except that he plays too rough with Spooky. And, since I had Spooky declawed because she stopped delineating what was okay to scratch and what wasnt, I couldnt let him keep his claws and terrorize her. Well, that and the fact that he still climbs the curtains.

I pick him up tonight. I hope he'll still speak to me but its quite possible he wont.

The weather's been reflecting my mood. Really foggy, funky, rainy. I like this kind of weather but it definitely invites deep thoughts on my part. Usually in the morning, under 23490876 blankets all toasty and warm, looking out at the sky my mind starts turning things over. This morning I started thinking about my mother, and the last phone conversation we had.

There were two parts that stuck out in my head, and it all started with religion. I havent talked to my mom a whole lot about what I'm going through, because she isnt where I'm at, this isnt a shared thing. And, she's still the mom and some parts of me want to think that she still knows everthing I guess.

So we were chatting and somehow my faith came up and she said something like, "well you have to be bothered that I'm living in sin because of the sacrifices you've made in your own life." (Bean you know what she's talking bout here when she says sacrifices) I'm not bothered that she's living with Kevin, and they're having sex outside of marriage. Well, thats not exactly true, because I am bothered although not for religious reasons and not its not the extra marital sex or whatever. Plus, my mom is still married so. Thats like, adultery but anyway thats not whats bothering me.

What's getting to me, and this has nothing to do with sin or what I think is right and wrong, is that she keeps calling Kevin her husband. My mother is still married to my stepfather and has been for like, over 15 years. She never bothered to get a divorce, hell I dont even know if they are legally separated. The problem is that she's claiming something that isnt hers. She hasnt worked for a wedding, or made sacrifices to get married. Like, Kevin has a lot of debt, and she keeps saying that they cant get married til he claims bankruptcy but they never make plans to claim bankruptcy or to pay off his debt.

Steve and I have given up a lot of things so we can get married. His boat is not going into the water again this year, we have to pay off a significant amount of debt of mine before we can marry, we're going to premarital counseling so we can make this work. The point is, we're making this happen. We're doing the work to get married and stay married, and she's just walking around calling Kevin her husband like its nothing. Like its just another pair of shoes.

I wouldnt doubt that Kevin is the man she's going to spend the rest of her life with. The point is that she's taking credit for something she hasnt worked for, something that Steve and I are putting a lot of effort into, and it irritates me. It lessens what Steve and I are going through. Why dont we just stop everything and call each other hubby and wifey and let my debt lie, put his boat in the water and stop going to couseling? I mean, if she can claim it without the work, so can I right?

The second thing, that irritated me, was while we were talking she kept saying that she didnt want my religion to come between us. I was just like, "has it yet?" I mean, really, because it hasnt. If anything its forced me to be more honest with her, and thats going to be a double edged sword but atleast its an honest one. I have spoken my mind more with her, my religion hasnt kept me from my mom at all and she was making it sound as if I had joined a cult or something that wouldnt let me talk to my mommy anymore because she's a dirty sinner. It was so over the moon ridiculous I wanted to throw the phone out the window.

Crummy.