The List

When I was growing up, we had this thing called, "The List." If we needed anything that was beyond our immediate means, it went on The List. The List included everything from my braces, to brake pads for the car, to new school clothes next year. The List is a long running joke between my mother and I.

So I'm used to waiting for things. This causes a lot of frustration for Steve because I say, "I need X" and he says, "okay." Three months later I still havent purchased X and he's like, "I told you that you could buy it." Especially when he feels like its a reflection on him. Like if I'm wearing worn out, or ratty clothes it makes him feel like he's not taking good enough care of me. Or that people think he doesnt take good care of me, since I stay at home. Which is really funny because if I want something I get it. Within reason, but I get it. I rarely have to justify my purchases to him. If I'm happy, he's happy.

I guess I have this trigger inside myself that hates to spend money because I keep waiting for that emergency to come around the corner. You know, when you're broke a lot of things become emergencies, hehe because you cant afford them. Now, to know that if we get into a little fender bender, it'll be okay feels so weird. Before, I would have been having a heart attack worrying about insurance prices or fixing my car. Plus I'm still obsessively looking for sales. I've gotten a lot better but I still refuse to spend more than $10 for a regular shirt, and $20 is my limit for a nice blouse.

I told Steve I only wanted to spend about $300 tops for my wedding dress, and maybe $200 for accessories and he hit the roof. I dont think I've seen him that pissed in a long time. He went into a big long tirade about how I should get the dress I want because its my wedding and how he's working the second job to make sure we get everything we want this year and blah blah blah. It was so, opposite, too. No, Twilight Zone is better. Definitely Twighlight Zone.

Today, I resolve to put away my List and let go of that aspect of my life.