Riding in Cars with Boys

I've had this short story stuck in my head for the past few days. I think I'll blog it when I'm done. We'll see. It all started when I heard a song from back in the day.

I bought a CD last week. The first one I've bought in forever. I felt a little out of place trolling for CDs with all the college kids. Out of place doesnt describe it really. More like, old. Yeah, that's it. Old.

I havent moved out yet but that could be fast approaching. Steve and I are having some problems, and I'm stressing pretty hard. It sucks not having a girlfriend to call up and bitch too. Most of the stress is stemming from my creditors, but when I dont say something the right way or ask the right question, Steve stresses on me. I understand where he's at but honestly he doesnt know how to handle me at all. When I'm freaking out the last thing I need is someone speaking to me the way he does.

This morning he stayed home from work. I guess I didnt get up early enough because he went across the street and grabbed McD's for breakfast. He brought me back a Sausage McMuffin. I hate McMuffins. In all the time we've been together I've never ordered a McMuffin. In fact when it comes to breakfast fast food, its always a bacon egg and cheese biscuit. I know its dumb but that kinda hurt. I mean, doesnt he know my preferences at all?

Its more than that, really. Lately he's been making a lot of snide comments. Its really eating at me. This week I've heard a comment about my weight, appearance, eating habits, time of getting out of bed, how often I go to the gym, how often he works and I dont, his boat going into the water, how and what I cook, and about World of Warcraft. This morning he says to me that I really need to get a job so I can move out because we've been pissing each other off. Yeah, thanks for adding the distance. And while I'm moved out I'll just stay there permanently asshole.

*sigh*

I havent even thought of my wedding recently. I dont want to think about it. I dont want to think about the stupid Justice of the Peace.

And how

So I got that job that I blogged about. One day into training I absolutely hated it, but I wasnt going to say anything. Fortunately I didnt have too. Steve came home and took one look at my face and clothes and said, "Is it that bad?" I nodded, and he said I didnt have to go back. I just didnt want to let Steve down, basically by regressing into old patterns. But we talked about what my problems were with it, and he agreed, and here I am building a new resume.

I'm also in the process of sorting out my debt. I have about $4,000 in debt that we need to pay off before we can marry. There was an eviction notice, and judgement against us, a credit card, a few hospital bills, a stupid cell phone, and a few bounced checks. Sifting through all of this crap paints this picture of what my life used to be, and its not pretty as you can imagine. I cant believe I didnt pay off that credit card, I cant believe I let myself be evicted. I cant believe I played "beat the bank" with post dated checks, and lost mind you.

I'm happy to be paying off these debts, though. I've been using Netbank, which is an online bank, for a checking account because no regular bank in their right minds would hand me a check book. But its been five years and my record was purged. On Friday I walked into a regular banking institution and opened a checking account, that made me feel so good. I really dont want to screw up this new chance, that's for sure.

In case you were wondering, I havent spoken to my mother yet still. I remembered the lady's last name but there is no phone registered to her in Florida, or her husband. If there really was an accident, there's no way I can get ahold of her.

We havent talked anymore about our justice of the peace ceremony. I think we're both a little disappointed because it isnt the way we wanted things to go. Oh well, we'll figure something out.

BIG Changes

I got a job today. Its nothing special and the pay is definitely short of spectacular but the hours are perfect. Monday through Friday 8am-5pm. Eventually I can work part time and the hours are flexible if I need to take off to see my aunt or what have you.

I'm kind of moving out of the house until Steve and I get married. There's more I could say but I dont want too. Suffice to say that we're still getting married and everything is normal. Sort of.

This kills me to say but I think we're going to get married by a Justice of the Peace in about six weeks, and still have another wedding in October. Again, more backstory but not really wanting to get into it.

I sent my aunt a letter today, detailing how I felt about her reaction. She called me today, too, and sounded a bit upset but I'm really not in the mood to talk to her. My life has been moving at light speed since I called her on Saturday and I'd rather wait to get on solid footing before calling her.

Still no word from mother. Hope I dont get into an accident or die, Steve wouldnt know where to start. My biggest fear is that she plans on dumping my sister off on her dad like she did to me. I was about the same age as my sister, just hitting puberty and periods and boys and make up when my mother decided that she needed a "change." She left me with my dad (who I could fill this blog up over his irresponsiblity) for about two years. When I flew down to live with her, she walked right by me at the airport, she didnt even recognize me.

So, I'm a working class schlub again. I dont mind, I was just blogging about how lonely I get. Maybe this will help.

"Henchmen"

Of all the reactions in my life, that was the least expected.

I called my Aunt Judy to find out if she'd spoken to or seen my mother. My aunt said that my mom was supposed to come up this weekend. I asked if my mother was currenton her rent and my aunt said no. I then told her what I knew, which the last I heard was my mom had a job interview at a retailer down there for a manager position and was basically moved down there with the exception of her things. You have to understand, telling my aunt was a moral obligation. My aunt is not some stranger to me, someone who its easier to imagine wouldnt be hurt financially or emotionally. My aunt has helped my mother greatly, greatly, and beyond that she has medical bills from her heart attack. She needs to know what was going on with her property so she can make plans. But last night my aunt attacked me. Me. She told me that my mother put me up to calling her (which isnt true), she told me I was backstabbing her, and she told me I was my mother's henchmen.

I'm pretty speechless right now. My aunt made it clear to me that I should have just kept my mouth shut. So I agonized for nothing, apparently. But if I had to do it all over again, I would still tell her. Not telling her would have been as wrong as my mother. The old me would have shrugged and said, "not my problem." And on one side of the coin it isnt my problem, its my mother's mistake and her thing to work out with my aunt. On the other side of the coin, my aunt could lose money here if the house hasnt been winterized, a pipe could have frozen and busted, anything could happen. Now my aunt atleast knows to ask my mom the hard questions. Man, you dont screw around with somebody's house.

I'm so hurt right now. Doing the right thing sucks. To think so little of me, that I would allow myself to be put up to doing something for my mom like that. My aunt really doesnt know me at all.

Stuff.

The first thing I asked my Aunt Judy for when I got engaged was a wedding quilt. There is something so fascinating about it to me, I am salivating over it. I dont expect it to be particularly beautiful, but I do expect it to be fluffy, crazy, tacky and made with love. We've decided to have two sides that are completely different. The first side will have our names, our wedding date, decorated with ribbons and lace. Think 80's hair and translate that into fabric and decoration for the quilt. The backside will be quilted, but with hearts instead of squares. On the hearts I'm going to have photos of loved ones, my aunt, Steve, my mom, my sister, his daughter, his mother, etc etc. I'm hoping to do this by taking photos and scanning them into the PC, then printing the photos on transfer iron on paper. I dont know how this will turn out, we'll see but I'm hoping it will come out nice. Even if its ugly, it will be a blanket I can have forever and pass onto my children. Or at the very least be buried in it. I can see me now, 80 years old, "Bury me naked wrapped in my quilt."

The wedding planning is going on fairly smoothly, although Steve is mad that I havent been officially dress shopping yet. I went browsing in a store with Aunt Judy and tried on a few things. Nothing fit of course, my aunt informed me that they cut wedding dresses weird so they have to be fitted, thus adding to the price and profit. Good news, I found the dress I want. Oh yes, I found my dress. Its stunning. Perfect. And a whopping $700. I've never spent $700 for anything in my life. Not an article of clothing anyway. I realize its my wedding dress, but damn. I'm hoping to shop around, and maybe catch the dress on sale. If not, I'll cut corners elsewhere.

Oh and how's this for some bullshit? Tita and Al have decided to go to Jamaica now to see us married. Its going to be more expensive for them, I mean, double the price because of the airfare but they're coming now. Amy and Tony were also considering it again too, because Cris guilted them into it til they found out there's no kids at Sandals. I dont feel the least bit guilty about that, too. They had their chance to come with the kids but Amy flat out said no, even after we offered to help them pay. Oh yes, where was I? Back to bitching. Steve doesnt understand how I feel but I'll blog about it anyway. Maybe I can get it out and make sense of it here.

The cruise and the trip to Sandals are equaling the same amount for Steve and I, because we'd have to pay for the wedding on the cruise but Sandals is giving it to us for free. The prices even out for us because of that. But for anyone else who is coming, its going to be twice as expensive because of airfare. When Steve's family decided they werent coming, Steve and I said "Fine, we'll go and have a nice quiet wedding with just our parents down in Jamaica." We can help my mom and Kevin and Steve's parents can afford it. Well, now with Steve's family coming (atleast Tita and Al) I feel like crap because now this small affair I'd planned isnt fair to my aunt and Olivia. How can I say its okay for Tita and Al to be there but not Judy and Olivia? I cant help them come, it is too expensive now. I could have helped them with the cruise easily and they could have afforded the rest of it. At this point I feel its something of a haves vs. the have nots.

Well, you dont have to agree but that is how I feel. And dont suggest me having my wedding here in the states and going on my honeymoon there. I've had about enough of that to last me my lifetime. I want a destination wedding and I'm not compromising. I did that at the start with the cruise and nobody would get on board. I cant explain this need to go somewhere else, well yes I can. My whole life, I mean my whole life, I've lived on a wink and a prayer. Shopping off brands, in thrift stores, finding a bargain everywhere. Always being so fucking broke. And before you say it, this wedding isnt a show of money to me. Its a, "I'm getting one thing nice in my life that nobody can ever take from me." When this wedding is over I'll go back to my normal life of sales and bargains but once I want to say, "I was a princess."

Now, I'm not going overboard with the wedding. Its going to be a very simple affair, with native flowers, and a reception dinner at the Olive Garden here in the states. But I'm having my wedding in Jamaica.

I bought the invitations on clearance at Michaels so I can write my own thingy and print them on the printer, I got a little heart cut out thing for paper edges so I can dress the invitations up a little. I'm going to use a heart stamp and gold ink stamp pad that I have upstairs to decorate it and buy a Thank You stamp. That's >$50 for invitations to the wedding, reception, save the dates, and thank you cards. My cake is going to be two tier, serving only 30 people. That's a small cake and I'll probably get it from a grocery store or someone who bakes cakes for side cash. I'm watching for my dress to go on sale. I'm planning on making my own cake topper, or trolling flea markets for what I want.

The point I'm trying to make is that I'm not being stupid about my wedding. I'm trying to keep the cost under $5k. But I'm going to have this one day that is out of the ordinary and is mine forever to keep in my memory. Is that selfish??

Speaking of selfish, my mother is avoiding me. I'm pretty crushed by this. Hugely so, actually. Things started bugging me awhile back, near Thanksgiving when I cooked dinner for her. Yes, for her. She's my mother and I wanted her approval. She came down Wednesday night, the day before Thanksgiving. I mean, night. It was late, and she spent the night. Jennifer was there that night but was planning on staying at her grandmother's the next night so my mother and sister would have her room to stay in with privacy. My mom was there a little over 24 hours, and then she left. She left my house at 10pm at night when she could easily have stayed another night and left the next morning. If her car had broken down, I'd rather it be in broad daylight rather than at night. Anyway, whatever, so she left.

The next time she came down, was a few days after Christmas. We had a small celebration dinner and she was there for maybe four hours, maybe. She spent (it seemed like) half the damn time outside on the phone with her lesser half. Jesus. Jesus give me strength. I wasnt insulted at the time, I was just happy to see my mom. But the more I think about her behavior, the angrier I get. I know its inconvenient because she cant smoke in my house but what the fuck. I go to her house and suck in her poison without complaint.

So fast forward to today. My mother is avoiding me. She hasnt called me since she left my house, and her cell phone is out of minutes. She uses a prepaid card. I have no contact number for her down there, God forbid anything happen to me or Steve or Aunt Judy, I'd have no way to get a hold of her. It boggles my mind at how irresponsible that is. I guess I should expect it, she doesnt even have health insurance for my sister or herself. I'm really really angry. Just because I'm speaking my mind and she doesnt like what I have to hear, which by the way I havent clubbed her over the head with my opinion although I will now. I'm so disgusted that she hasnt told my aunt. STILL! I have to call my aunt tonight, because I went up there last weekend and she told me that my mom made plans to come to her house this weekend. I'm guessing, and its a good guess, that she hasnt paid rent yet to my aunt and called her to tell her she was in Florida taking care of a sick friend (which is only half of the truth) and will pay her rent when she comes up. So I'm going to call my aunt tonight and find out if my mother came up. If she hasnt, then I'm going to have to tell my aunt the truth.

I hesitate to do this, I've been hesitating even knowing that what my mother is doing is wrong because I feel so caught in the middle. I dont want to screw my mother over but I dont want my aunt to get left holding the bag either. I kept hoping my mom would do the right thing, I kept hoping I wouldnt have to go where I'm going to have to go. Fuck. The thing that hurts the worst is that my mom's avoidance of speaking to me means she doesnt even know my wedding plans. I havent shared our official plans with her, she doesnt know my wedding date, she doesnt know we're going to Jamaica, she doesnt know what my wedding colors are. She doesnt know what I want my dress to look like. Isnt that what mothers are for?

I feel so alone sometimes. Its hard staying at home, I love it but it doesnt change the limiations to friendships. And here I have this wedding, which means so much to me for so many reasons with no one to share it with. I could talk all year long about my wedding, as evidenced by the above, and I dont have anyone to share it with. It feels that way anyhow. Steve, God bless him, is a wonderful man in a no frills kind of way. He's happy to do this wedding my way and he gives his input when I ask for it but its not the same as having ten gabbing girlfriends bubbling over a wedding. I cant tell you how thrilled my aunt is for me, thats all she can talk about and I'm not even her close relative. But she's not my mom. I dont know, I feel so confused about my mom.

It could always be worse, though. I spent more time with Lisa, my Uncle Tony's girlfriend who's daughter and grandaughter died. She's a little ditsy but has a huge heart, and she's devastated by her loss. I dont think its really sunk in yet, even though she found her daughter in the bed. She had to return all of the baby shower gifts, too. Man. My aunt said something to me while I was there visiting. She said, "Chrissy, that's the most animated I've seen Lisa since Lindsey died." My aunt doesnt bullshit. You can always count on her for painful honesty. Dont ask if you dont want an honest answer. When she said that to me, it made me feel so good. It was nice to know that I'd impacted Lisa in a positive way while she was grieving.

Oring is visiting with Judd and Vina. Oring is Cris's sister (Steve's mom), Vina is Oring's daughter and Judd is Vina's husband. Oring and Judd are so nice. I mean, boggle your mind nice. Laid back, quiet, and nice. Judd's a cutie too, hehe but dont tell anyone I said that. Judd and Vina are moving to Singapore in June, which is awesome. I'm totally happy for them, what a great experience. I'm glad to see Oring again too. She's a really sweet lady.

Tita showed us her "big house" today. Its so completely ridiculous I had to stop myself from laughing. Now, Tita is at heart a good person. She's not mean spirited or cruel and she'll always help out family. But she makes no sense. She's pushing 70 and they're buying a house that would disgust most of you. Its just her, her husband Al, and the stupid rat dog Vader. But they're buying this house that's a zillion square feet. Its damn near palatial. I just dont understand it. Sometimes I just want to yell at her, "YOU CANT TAKE THE HOUSE WITH YOU TO HEAVEN!!!" Cris has the right idea. Before she moved in with Amy and Tony, she lived in the townhouse we live in now. Its small, with an extremely affordable house payment. They took the money they would have spent on a larger mortgage and traveled with it. Once a year to Las Vegas, twice a year to Atlantic City, and a few other places. Now that she lives with Amy and Tony, she goes on trips with Hank when he goes on business. He just buys her ticket on his flight and she stays in the hotel with him. When he goes to work she putters around town. This year alone she's going to Hawaii, San Diego, and one other place, besides my wedding in Jamaica. The same thing with Steve and I. Our house payment compared to his income is peanuts. We could have a house twice the size, but we'd rather travel. I understand that houses are an investment, but lets not go overboard here. Steve says he'd rather be comfortable than house poor, whatever that means. I just dont get it. I guess Tita and I are horses of a different color.

Ha. I'm a horse!

Yeah, I'm done.