Sunday drives.

I was awake before everybody in the house this morning (except Pita) for once. So I got out of bed and got my shower to get the party started, only I got up waaaay early so we had plenty of time to kill before church actually started. Steve was driving, and he took the long way there through the residential part of Old Manassas. I am a sucker for older houses and we drove by these older houses that had been there for like, 50 years. I loved seeing them, I kept swinging my head back and forth to soak it all in. At one point Steve interrupted my wide eyed wonder by saying, "you're welcome."

I was like, "you're welcome for what?"

He said, "Because I knew you'd love these houses. That's why I drove us here."

How cool is that, because I mean, we've never discussed me liking this kind of house before, just rowhouses forever ago. So for him to think, "she'd like that," and act on it was unexpected, but beautiful. How often does the person you are with just know something about you and act on it to make a pleasurable experience?

This isnt the first time, either. He's surprised me on many occasions with a deeper knowledge of me. He really gets into the rythmn of my moods and he knows when I'm happy or sad, no matter what expression is on my face. Plus I cant lie to him. He has Ally-BS radar or some shit. Sometimes it kind of pisses me off because he really sees things I dont want him to see. Parts of myself that I would prefer to keep hidden.

I'm running on two wavelengths currently. On the surface I am more happy than I've ever been. Truly happy with my life, my choices, and the person I'm with. I'm really excited about my future. But at the core of who I am, I'm very uncertain. Everyday I wake up and I thank the Lord for every blessing present in my life, and I especially thank him for Steve. He is so good to me, for me, I have to wonder what I did to deserve him. I have to wonder what the hell he sees in me, because dear reader, who I am inside is ugly to be around. No matter what you might think about me after reading this blog trust me when I say, that I am a selfish, mean, and sometimes hateful person. I neglect the people I love when I shouldn't, and too many of my sentences begin with "I".

Here is this truly great man, who wants to marry me and I dont know why. I've asked him before, and he gave me an answer that didnt satisfy me, so I've asked him again and he just rolls his eyes like I'm being silly but I need to know why he loves me when I really give so little in return.

Damn. This started out happy. I must be PMSing.